Brothas Who Dont Want Sistas

Some Black men have proclaimed to not want to date within their own race. Is this a fad? Are you missing anything with these men to begin with? Is there hope for black relationships? 

Recently I watched an extremely interesting episode of the Dr. Drew show. This episode highlighted Black men who refuse to date Black women. Since this show aired it has become a viral sensation. I have very strong personal views on this subject. My hometown Denver, Colorado is a meca for interacial dating and marriage. I grew up in an environment where I was often the minority twice. I was the black girl among white children and I was the black girl among bi-racial children. I remember many birthday parties, field trips or school group pictures where I was the darkest girl among a plethora of bi-racial little girls and boys.  I had no idea that this was not necesarily the norm in every community until I was in my mid-twenties. 

Here's my opionon on interacial dating. I in no way have a problem with it. When I see a Black man and a White woman coupled up I don't cringe or silently steam as they pass by.  My view could be in part to familiarity with this coupling through the great majority of my upbringing. I however, and it's a big however, have a standing from the rooftops and shouting out loud objection to Black men who exclusively date White women. For this reason I was greatful that this topic was shown on national television on this recent Dr. Drew episode. I've had a few debates with some who claim that men that refuse to date within their race exist.  It's very sad but men who refuse to date women who look like their mothers and sisters do indeed exist. 

I feel that if a man falls in love with a woman and she happens to have porcelin skin, I will be happy for him and even throw rice at their wedding. There are many cases when a brotha will date a woman regardless of race. If this Black man happens to settle down with a woman who is Caucasian I cant see how anyone from the outside looking in could dare fault or judge him.  I wouldn't dare roll my eyes at the bi-racial couple in the mall because I cant determine every Black man's heart in deciding who he will date and how he arrived to that decision. I have had Black men hold the resturant door open for me as well as his White date, where it appears that he does not have a resentment towards me. I would assume this same brotha would also date Ms. Mocha if given the chance. 

Now swinging to pendulum to the reverse. I personally know Black men, yes personally, who will directly tell you that they will not date a Black woman, especially from my home town. This is enough to, as Michael and Janet eloquently put it, make me wanna scream. It's a shame that some men would be so close minded as to think that all Black women would not be worthy of their presence. That somehow we all joined the same neck rolling university where we all majored in bad attitudes.

The overwhelming numbers of my single Sistas with so much to offer and give is enough for me to want to move us all to an African colony but it's even deeper than that for me. I feel mostly sorry for the children that will be produced from these backward thinking men. To imagine my baby boy in 20 years having to deal with these perceptions and self hatred that will be ingrained into the minds of his peers, this makes me sad. 

I hope there can be some healing. I hope that brothas that have these perceptions  can be exposed beyond their current mental collapse.

I hope that Sistas can learn to find their own value and learn to broaden themselves as well. If love comes for her in a lighter package, why should she not explore it? Lastly I hope the next generation will do better than we have. To redefine their definition of love.

Watch Dr. Drew Clip from Black Men Who Refuse to Date Within Their Race Episode here. 

Read match maker Paul Carrick Brunson's, (Life Changer from Dr. Drew Show), article on Reasons to Believe in Black Love here.

~Tiffany Lane-Crane (TLC)

SistaStrong Founder, Moderator

SistaStrong, Get Inspired!
www.sistastrong.org

The Super Black Woman Syndrome

You've Entered The Anti-Superwoman Zone. 
Today's Feature is The Super Black Woman Syndrome.

Find Out Why the S on your Chest is Not Benefiting You. 

Find Out How to Remove It.

The Super Black Woman Syndrome

By Tiffany Lane-Crane 

In a Time When Being a So-Called Superwoman is Considered a Good Thing, Comes this Article Warning Us Against the Perils of Being All Things to All People.

Take the S off Your Chest

Look over the trees and through the clouds. It’s a bird, it’s a plane… no, it’s a black woman wearing a cape. It’s Super Black Woman!  She can balance her checkbook and return fifteen phone calls all in a single bound.  She can cook a full course meal after a ten hour work day, with a migraine and the flu.  She can attend another meeting, lend another loan, make another commitment, and all without breaking a sweat.  As she rushes to the gym, then to the grocery store, she remembers to later  hang out with the girls.  She can be mother, friend, sister, aunt, wife, girlfriend, and receive high marks in all. Her goals and desires are to make everyone comfortable, to see that everyone’s needs are met, and to make sure she meets all expectations. She is the African-American super woman! And she never has to stop and refuel…or so she thinks. 

Does any of this sound familiar?  For far too many Sistas it does.  Are you a Super Black Woman?  Do you have chronic SBW Syndrome?  Has this illness invaded and taken over your life, arrested your energy, stolen your peace of mind?  If so, there is help and hope for you. 

SBW Syndrome is a destructive disorder, (and trust and believe it is just that, a dis-order.) If you are black and female the burden of being all things for all people came along with the cutting of your umbilical cord.  But this notion goes back much farther than even your birth.  Historically black folks in this country were forced to bare the hardships of what the greater population did not want to carry.  Whether it was carrying cotton or carrying babies, carrying brooms or carrying wood, we were obligated to carry more than our bodies, minds or spirits could healthily bear. No wonder we often do not have a healthy concept of the difference between simple responsibility and going beyond our means. It is a very hard thing to overcome what you have been told all your life that you are obligated to be or do.

I love the song by Erykah Badu titled Bag Lady. This song eloquently speaks to the burden of carrying too much. “Bag lady you goin’ hurt your back, draggin’ all them bags like that.”  The reality is that hurt and pain are so familiar to us that we often don’t even know that we have any other option.  Most of us have mothers, grandmothers, or other older female influences that have themselves never lived in healthy balance.  In turn we have only mirrored what we have been taught.  In our ignorance, we pass this on to the next generation after us.  (Understand ignorance is only the lack of knowledge, not the lack of intelligence).  I cannot tell you the countless times I’ve witnessed my grandmother throw a party for one hundred folks and never take five minutes to relax and enjoy the party herself.  Mom-Mom as we affectionately refer to her, would cook all night, host all day and then clean the night after. This little 80 year old woman does this to this day. I find myself uncomfortable with the idea of relaxing in the festivities of a good time. But unhealthy patterns shouldn’t be given passes because they are familiar.  We are obligated to gain new knowledge and to live better than those who came before us.  We are obligated to pass new principles on to our daughters, and to our sons that will partner our daughters. We are the first generation of our people who are now adults in the new Information Age.  We can point and click our way to new information, we can buy a book for 10 bucks and end a problem that has existed in our down line for generations. 

I do however venture to go against some conventional thinking here.  I believe we should pass on a better legacy to our children, however, we deserve to treat ourselves better simply because we deserve to treat ourselves better, not only for those who will come after us.  This is a paradigm shift for so many of us, the idea of taking care of ourselves first, that I might as well be speaking Chinese in this text. The reality is that after God we must be the most important thing in our lives.  There is no one else that will keep our desires, our goals, our priorities first, we have the sole responsibility.

Think about the last time you were on a plane and the flight attendant gave the safety instructions.  In the event of an emergency, those with children were to give themselves oxygen first, and then to their child. Why is this?  It’s simple, if you pass out, little Shameeka or John John will never get their oxygen.  If you follow these safety instructions you will likely live through the rough landing, while also teaching your children the skill of taking their oxygen first. This is not narcissistic or self-centered, it is self-protection so that you are able to continue to give of yourself.

Take the time to know that you are important.  The true definition of strength is not determined by how many problems or worries you can carry while still bringing home the bacon. True strength is measured by knowing what you can handle within your energy and your time, praying about the rest, leaving it for another day. It’s about balancing responsibilities with keeping your peace of mind. It’s about telling that gossip-ridden friend or relative that you don’t have time for more drama. God won’t give you more than you can bear but you can surely opt to return to the buffet table of burden. Let go of what makes you weary, act on what you can change and move forward.

Add yourself to your to do list. Embrace old hobbies, remember what you wanted to be when you grew up, reconnect with the areas in your life that once brought you joy or made you smile.  Your life doesn’t have to be one commitment after another.  You can have more.  Now while I’m inclined to share in the spirit of balance, I don’t think that will be much necessary for Sistas.  Most of us don’t have to be told that the bills still have to be paid, the kids still need to be fed, and that your car still requires oil. You’ll surely take care of those things but if you do not put yourself at the top of your “Has to Get Done List,” in your nurturing nature, you may never be added to it at all. 

(Caution:  The above text offered prescribed remedies against SBW Syndrome.  Side effects for overcoming SBW Syndrome may be; peace of mind, understanding of one’s self, and better communication skills.  In nationwide studies, participants were found to be more relaxed, more pleasant, and learned to like themselves. Participants began to walk in real strength.)

Erykah Badu, Bag Lady
Copyright, All Rights Reserved. 2004

Revision 2011

-Tiffany Lane-Lane

Founder & Moderator of SistaStrong.